Have you ever wondered what non-equestrians think we're talking about when they stumble upon us mid conversation? Here are a few things that can be taken horribly out of context.
Let's be honest, dating a horse girl is no easy task. Please refer to last year's Are You Fit to Date a Horse Girl article for the required list of skills. Last May, my ex-boyfriend (now husband) and I decided it was time to get hitched. Marrying a horse girl is something reserved for the very rich...
the equally horse crazy...
The gorgeous Boyd and Silva Martin. Picture from horseradionetwork.com
...or the certifiably insane. My husband, Dave, does not fall into either of the first two categories, so that only leaves one option. See exhibit A:
Exhibit A: Because behind every great woman, there's a man dressed like Norman Bates? Wait...what?!
So yes, my husband is a bit crazy, but I feel like his insanity is the one thing that allows him to deal with my horse obsession so effectively.
Here are some of Dave's crazier traits that have allowed him to not only survive, but thrive in a horsey marriage.
#1 An uncontrollable "BABY ANIMAL!" reflex. Because of this trait this...
...this...
....and this...
...are now permanent members of the family.
#2 A complete lack self preservation.
For those of us that began riding as kids, we never really thought about the fact that by riding we are drastically increasing our odds of a premature death. Or at least I never did. An intelligent adult, on the other hand, is aware of this fact and willingness to overlook it is a sure sign of insanity. Just this past year, Dave has taken the ultimate step in embracing the horsey lifestyle by learning how to ride. He says he would like to event (another clear sign of insanity).
Not only am I huge fan of the Horse Nation equestrian-style of comedy, I am also a huge fan of comedy in general. One day while listening to the podcast Comedy Bang Bang, "Parks and Recreation" writer, Harris Wittels, introduced me to the humblebrag and my life was forever changed. Urban dictionary defines humblebrag as:
"Subtly letting others now about how fantastic your life is while undercutting it with a bit of self-effacing humor or "woe is me" gloss."
Since discovering the humblebrag, I've made somewhat of a hobby of sarcastically humblebragging and calling others out on their own humblebragginess. For today's Fit to Ride, I've come up with some fitness/equestrian humblebrags that I would like to use my expertise to interpret for you.
The humblebrag: "WTF, man! Now that I've lost weight, all my breeches are baggy."
Interpretation: "Hey! Don't I look awesome?! I really look awesome!"
Photo from Etsy.com
The humblebrag: "My arms are looking so manly from lugging around hay and water buckets all the time."
Interpretation: "My arms look so good Evangaline Lily would be jealous."
Photo from solitaryphoenix.com
The humblebrag: "Ugh! My abs are so sore from sitting my horse's gigantic trot!"
Interpretation: "My horse is incredibly gifted...probably the next Totilas, and not only do I get to ride that magnificent beast, but I have a six-pack from doing so."
Photo from www.wbfsh.org
The humblebrag: "I have such a hard time finding breeches that fit. My legs are just too long and skinny."
Interpretation: "I'm an Amazonian goddess with legs that go forever!"
The humblebrag: "It's so hot down here in 'Slow-cala'!"
Interpretation: "Yep. I'm in Ocala and you're stuck in the cold b&$ches!!"
We're a couple weeks into the New Year and I'm betting that some of you are already starting to lose steam on your fitness related resolutions. Well here is what I'd like you to do. Log on to the world wide interwebs and Google 5k races in your area. Find one that is a month or two out and sign up...right now. Some may say that the fear of public embarrassment is the best sort of motivation, but if you are completely lacking shame, like myself, a concrete goal is a much better option.
So perhaps you've never been much of a runner and have no clue where to begin when training for a 5k. Well fear not! A 5k (3.1 miles) is a very manageable distance and a reasonably healthy adult can prepare for one by running/walking as little as 3 times a week.
Here is a plan I made for myself to follow since I was just cleared to run again after a knee injury (:-D).
Sunday
Monday
Tuesday
Wednesday
Thursday
Friday
Saturday
Week 1
Stretching
Rest
Run 1 mile
Rest
Run 1 mile
Cross train
Run 2 miles
Week 2
Stretching
Rest
Run 1.5 miles
Rest
Run 1.5 miles
Cross train
Run 2 miles
Week 3
Stretching
Rest
Run 2 miles
Rest
Run 2 miles
Cross train
Run 2.5 miles
Week 4
Stretching
Rest
Run 2 miles
Rest
Run 2 miles
Cross train
Run 2.5 miles
Week 5
Stretching
Rest
Run 2.5 miles
Rest
Run 2.5 miles
Cross train
Run a 5k!
Stretching: While it is important to stretch before and after each run, on your "stretching" days spend a full 15-30 minutes devoted just to getting loose.
Rest: I think this is pretty self-explanatory, but it is important to give your muscles a chance to recover, so kick off those running shoes, slip into your slippers, and sink into your couch for a "Heartland" marathon.
Running: For those of you completely new to running, I would advise alternating between 2 minutes of running and 1 minute of walking. Those with a little more experience can just go for it. Maybe it's just because I'm the slow and steady type, but I tend not to worry so much about my speed or my time, but rather focus on completing the run I had planned. It's all about going the distance. You can use websites/apps like Map My Run to plan your routes.
Cross-training: On your cross-training days, participate in a form of physical activity other than running. I'm assuming most of you ride once a week, so count that as your cross-training!
5k: On the day of your 5k, eat a healthy, light breakfast, give your body a good stretch, and then let your training shine through. Don't forget to smile and have fun because you are doing something great for your body!
I recently transitioned to healthy diet and have pretty much eliminated junk food from my at-home eating habits. The only issue is that at work, my boss frequently rewards good work with boxes of donuts and giant bowls of candy. I'm great at not buying junk food, but I find myself pretty helpless when it is presented to me. Please help!
- On The Timeclock Binger
Hey there OTTB. This is a very difficult issue that many of us face. I for one, am completely helpless in the face of yogurt bites. Over the years, however, I have developed some great coping mechanisms that enable me to make better choices when confronted with delicious looking junkfood (like that cheesepuff Mom just dropped on the floor).
First off, eat a good breakfast rich in protein and low in sugar and simple carbohydrates. The only thing that separates simple carbs from sugar are a few covalent bonds, so from a dietary standpoint it's best to treat them as the same thing. Eating food high in sugar causes your blood sugar level to spike and then crash. These crashes are what lead to the sudden cravings and pangs of hunger that can make those unhealthy treats look so good. I personally avoid sugar because it makes me gassy, and after a great deal of experimentation I've found the extra gas propulsion does not improve my hopping ability as I hypothesized. Mom has been eating mini frittatas for breakfast these days and says she will post the recipe on the "Fit to Ride" Facebook page later this week.
Next, your going to want to be sure you're staying hydrated. In the winter time it can be tough to remember to drink, but it is just as important as in the hot weather. Caffeine free teas are a great option on those really cold days when a cool glass of water doesn't seem appealing.
From noliesradio.org
Lastly, you are going to want to arm yourself with healthy snacks so you have a better option when confronted with unhealthy food. Whenever I'm having a craving I turn to my treat log.
From squidoo.com
Now I realize that you humans may not find a treat log all that appealing, but the filling inside is made up of seeds and dried fruit. I believe you guys have something similar called trail mix. Be sure to get a trail mix that is completely made of nuts, seeds, and dried fruit. Avoid things like chocolate and pretzels. Most grocery stores have a bulk section with some great trail mix options. Whole fruits and vegetables, like apples and carrots, are also great snacking options. I sometimes get a little too into the whole carrot thing, but it's better than donuts.
Well OTTB. I hope that advice is useful. Thanks for writing. If anyone else out there in Horse Nation has a health or fitness question, please post it to the "Fit to Ride" Facebook page using the hashtag #askarabbit.
Hey there, Horse Nation. T'is the season for self-improvement and goal setting on a grand scale. Millions of people will pledge to be healthier and many of us equestrian type will resolve to up our game in the saddle. I know I will be doing both of those things. Up until a couple years ago I had this habit of buying a new notebook each time I set a new goal.
In these notebooks I would track my progress as I pursued my goal. The first few pages were always filled with meticulous records, detailed notes, and often, inspirational doodles of happy ponies.
These entries would quickly devolve into hurried scrawlings as life got in the way of my ambitions...
and then... they'd stop all together.
I recently stumbled across my last notebook. A plain and simple journal. This notebook was obviously purchased when I was in a bit of a dark place. I was in the process of finishing my thesis, and was dealing with a major professor that took immense joy in demoralizing her students. Despite the fact I got this notebook with the sole intention of recording my thoughts and feelings, the topic of "goals" crept quite conspicuously into the very first entry. I guess my brain is jus very goal-oriented.
**Read in my best goth kid voice**
"I bought this new notebook because there is something so rejuvenating about a real, physical blank slate. Blank slates are something I seem to need a lot in my life. As a result, I have a house filled with half-filled notebooks with the scrawlings of goals never achieved. Souvenirs from the place where dreams go to die."
Ugh. I promise. I'm typically not such a drama queen. At the time, I saw these notebooks as evidence of my failures, and looking back I still believe that to be the truth, but in a much less depressing way. The difference is I now understand that my successes in life are built on the backs of my failures. Each time I falter when reaching for a goal, I learn valuable lessons on what not to do which aid me in my next attempt. The only true failure comes with not trying again. So as I look forward to 2014, I will still reach for the sky. What I won't do is allow myself to be crippled by the fear of failing, because hey. That's just part of the game. With that being said, I'm off to buy a new notebook! Happy New Year, Horse Nation!
Hey, Horse Nation. I have something I need to admit to you. I love to watch "America's Next Top Model." I love the awesome clothes, great locations, and artistic photo shoots. What?! That's a load of BS you say? Yeah. You're right. I really just enjoy watching beautiful people act like complete idiots. Anyway, those of you that watch the show will be familiar with the "booty tooch." For those of you that are unfamiliar with the term, a booty tooch involves tilting your pelvis forward, creating a little extra arch in your low back and accentuating your money maker. Here, Tyra Banks shows Jimmy Fallon how it's done.
From Buzzfeed.com
Some of us ladies are born with a natural tooch. I am one of those people. X-rays showed that my pelvis was tilted a whopping 61 degrees forward! Women do tend to have a natural tilt to their pelvis, but I was way beyond normal. Unfortunately I make my living in the saddle and not looking fierce in front of the flash bulbs. Unlike in the modeling world, a tooched booty in saddle can be quite problematic. It can make it difficult to achieve a deep and fluid seat. Also, attempting to sit the trot with an overly forward-angled pelvis is a sure recipe for both human and equine back pain.
My former seat. Great for a photo shoot. Less good for riding.
After acknowledging my tooch, I immediately went about correcting it and will now share my process in hopes that I can help those others who are similarly afflicted.
I started off by stretching my low back. One of my favorite stretches for the low back and glutes involves sitting cross-legged, and then extending the arms and upper body forward. Aside from being incredibly effective, this stretch is comfortable enough to hold for long periods of time making it an ideal position for meditation or visualization exercises.
I then went on to strengthen my lower abdominals in an attempt to correct the tilt of my pelvis. Leg lifts are great for increasing lower abdominal strength. Lay on the floor and place your hands under your butt to keep your back from arching. Then raise your legs about two feet off the ground. Lower your legs until they are an inch or two from the ground. Hold for fives seconds, and repeat.
Lastly, to avoid going from riding with an arched, hollow back to riding with a rounded back, it is important to strengthen your mid-back and shoulders. You can do this by performing a variation of the "superman" exercise. Lay on your belly with your arms extended in front of you. Raise your head and shoulders off the floor. Then alternately lift diagonal arm and leg pairs. Think of trotting, but you know, on your belly.
Because of my conformation, I will always have to be aware that a lack of vigilance could easily cause my position to revert back to complete toochitude, but for now, these exercises have really helped me reshape my seat.
